'Dave for President' is the slogan appearing on leaflets and billboards throughout the country of Luxembourg.  This is the official campaign page for Dave and his Luxembourg National Front.  "But what are his policies?" I hear you cry.  Well, this is where you'll find out in this exclusive interview.

RCL: So what do you feel most strongly about Stu?

Dave: Well, to be honest, I can't think of anything to tell you that isn't racist.

RCL:  Surely you must have some policies that aren't totally racist.

Dave: Well, for starters, all those Belgian / French / Luxembourgish c*nts should speak English.  We've got a common currency coming, now we should be looking to a common language too, and seen as they all fucking speak English anyway that should be it.

RCL: Fair point.  Anything else?

Dave: Well, seeing as us ex-pats bring so much money in to the country, they should work for us as slaves.  Obviously only the fit ones, the ugly ones should just be shot.

RCL:  A little harsh some might say.  Lets move on to a subject a little less contentious.  What are your thoughts on gays?

Dave: I believe it was a doctor in Blackadder, that said "Ok, so you've just realised you're gay and you've no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel".  Too fucking right, I say.

RCL:  But the gay vote is an important vote, you can't ignore it, you've got to have a representative in your cabinet, surely?

Dave:  Well, if push comes to shove, so to speak, I'd make Handbag my minister for gay equality in the closet.  I mean cabinet.  And I'd have Jez right behind him, so to speak, as shadow.

RCL: What about sexual equality?

Dave:  Well, you've got to have an expert in this field so I'm going to select Joe as my minister for sexual harassment.  Anyway, back to sexual equality, I think that it's great that women are all equal.  At the end of the day, it's all free love, and if they want to take me home and fuck me that's fine.  In an ideal world fit ones would do it after I'd consumed 20 pints and let me shove as many fingers as possible up 'em...

RCL:  Any final words to say?

Dave:  Trained monkeys for everyone!

RCL: Thank you.